Troy (**)

TROY

Troy re-imagines the decade-long Trojan War epic as a moronic two week-long pissing contest over Diane Kruger. Gone are the gods' meddling and the sweeping tragedy of Homer's The Iliad. In their place are a bronzed Brad Pitt posing and snarling as Achilles, irascible Eric Bana as proud and snarling Hector, doughy Brian Cox as scheming and snarling Agamemnon, scruffy Brendan Gleeson as haughty and snarling Menelaus, and effete and ineffectual Orlando Bloom as effete and ineffectual Paris. Thousands of computer-generated Greeks and Trojans smash over flat, dusty battlefields but who really gives a rat's ass what happens or why? Troy even makes up its own ending, especially in when and why Achilles meets his demise. Two actors escape from this embarrassment relatively unscathed: Rose Byrne as Briseis, Achilles' hot little slave girl prisoner, and Sean Bean as Odysseus. The real tragedy here is that an Odyssey movie starring Bean will never be green-lit.