Friday the 13th (**)

FRIDAY THE 13TH

I have a lifelong history of not giving a rat's ass about the slasher movie genre in general and Friday the 13th in particular. This 2009 re-imagining doesn't reverse my position in any way. Having never sat through any of the previous (how many have their been? Ten? More?) Friday the 13ths in their entirety, the slasher genre's rules are still so ingrained and obvious, every move Jason made was predictable even before he would "suddenly" appear in frame. The kills were pretty uninspired and the ending is a cheat; appropriate for continuing the franchise but a slap in the face to the consistency of the story the movie told. The curious departure this Friday the 13th made was Jason taking a prisoner, whom he held in captivity for over 6 weeks. Despite being chained up in a dungeon for a month and a half, the girl in question looked reasonably clean and well-kept. Did Jason let her have bathroom breaks? Cook her meals? Give her an hour outside to get some exercise? Brush her teeth pearly white for her? Another big logic break was Jason somehow not killing a major character despite appearances; odd considering how efficiently he kills every one else. But who cares about logic in this genre? There was some fun stuff here and there, mainly in the breasts department. Julianna Guill is breathtaking. With so many ample racks on display (even Willa Ford's), Friday the 13th validated the beauty of the natural over the implant. Celebrated it gloriously, in fact. I also liked the token black kid using a frying pan as a shield. Marvel Studios is currently casting Captain America. Look no further. I did like this fast, athletic Jason, who moved like an athlete and could shoot a bow and arrow with Olympic precision. I also thought he looked better wearing a bag on his head in the early scenes before he donned the iconic hockey mask. Finally, a pleasant surprise for the Star Trek nerds in the audience (yo!) is the cameo of who plays Jason Voorhee's mother. Major Kira, how could you?