SEASON NINE(!) ROLL CALL:
SUPERMAN! (Formerly The Red and Blue Blur, now just The Blur) CHLOE SULLIVAN! LOIS LANE! TESS MERCER! ZOD! (Major Zod, not yet a General) THE GREEN ARROW!
Special DC Universe Guest Star:
METALLO!
Ever see the old Simpsons episode (I think it was the one explaining how Lisa got her saxophone with flashbacks set in 1991) where Homer watches an episode of Twin Peaks? The visual on the screen is Kyle McLachlan's character dancing with a horse or something. Homer says, "Brilliant! I have absolutely no idea what's going on."
That's exactly how I felt this entire episode. The whole season premiere was dancing with a horse.
Even for Smallville, they reached new, unimaginable heights of incoherence:
*Clark walked away from his ties to humanity at the end of last season and went to the Fortress to train with the voice of Jor-El. He now dresses like Neo from first Matrix movie with a silver faded S on his chest. (And I would buy that shirt if they sold it.) He used to be the Red & Blue Blur but now he's just the Blur.
* Clark asked Jor-El why he can't fly when his cousin Kara can. Jor-El told him it's all in his mind. So then next we see Clark on top of the Statue of Liberty and he jumps off to fly but instead he plummets straight down, which begs the question of how he got up there in the first place. (Oh, never mind, he leaped a tall statue in a single bound.) But at least, after nine years, Clark is showing an interest in flying, finally.
* The Justice League went "off the grid", and with Clark gone, Jimmy Olsen dead (Henry James Olsen, not James Bartholemew Olsen), and Lois in the future, Chloe was pretty much all alone in the Watchtower.
* Lois returned from the future and was being chased by a superpowered chick who looked a lot like her but wasn't a doppleganger or anything. Turns out that chick is Kryptonian and is in league with...
* Zod, who's only Major Zod, and leads a rabble of Kryptonians who are all hanging in the old Luthor Mansion now owned by Tess Mercer, who was held prisoner while the Kryptonians wonder why they don't have their powers under the yellow sun, so they depose Zod of leadership when he commands them to kneel before Zod, and toss him in the same room as Tess Mercer, who they beat up and tortured, and Tess says Zod is not the same voice as the orb had, and then Tess tries to strangle Zod, who threatens to kill her, and is any of that making any sense at all?!
* Later, Zod and Tess are held in some sort of trial by the Kryptonians who again want to know why they have no powers like they ought to, but Zod gives a speech about how he'll do something about that and maybe get some answers and he beats up the black guy Kryptonian who punched him earlier, and they all kneel before Zod, and Tess looks impressed, and then somewhere along there they mention Kandor but it's not clear if they're from Kandor or were just fighting in Kandor or something, and it's not clear how or why they are all on Earth now and why they're living in Lex's old house, and then they show that the Kryptonian trying to kill Lois is there and that brings up the question of when exactly this scene is taking place because that woman has powers when we see her in other scenes chasing Lois and fighting Clark and my head hurts.
* Later, Tess finds that the Kryptonians have all vanished from the mansion without a trace and we find that she has been secretly videotaping them while they were squatting in the mansion but the Kryptonians erased the recordings and HUH?!
* Lois, who has been missing for three weeks (this episode is dated today's date, September 25, 2009, which means the season finale took place around Labor Day if that makes any sense), runs into John Corbett, who it turns out is a reporter for the Daily Planet.
* Although Chloe has spent three weeks trying and failing to find Oliver Queen, Lois knew exactly where to look and finds Oliver right away in some fight club. Because they wouldn't let her in, Lois dons one of her many black leather and vinyl high-heeled prostitute outfits from her closet and comes into the fight club as a ring card girl. The Kryptonian woman tries to kill Lois again but Clark shows up after Chloe warned him in a random rooftop tete-a-tete that someone was trying to kill Lois (and has been heat visioning the S symbol all over Metropolis). After Clark and the Kryptonian chick leave, Lois and Oliver have a conversation about why Oliver's not really a hero, or that maybe he is, or something.
* Clark grabs the Kryptonian chick and superblurs her back to the old Kent farmhouse, where she whips out blue Kryptonite which is supposed to take away Clark's powers but does not, nor does it take away her powers, and they fight and she says she's from the future, one year from now, and she's come to stop Clark from destroying the world, and then Clark knocks her across the barn and she gets impaled on something and she dies, but not without touching Clark's face and WHA?!
* Chloe asks Clark to use the Legion flight ring to travel back in time and save Jimmy's life but Clark yells at her that he's not a god, he won't change the past again because the last time he did something like that Jonathan Kent died, so he tells Chloe a firm no and she's pissed. But he can't change the past. Whatever happened, happened. Wait, wrong show.
* Finally, we wrap up in the Daily Planet where Lois is at her desk, despite being missing for three weeks and thus was fired because of it, and we find John Corben is Clark's replacement because Clark is on "indefinite leave visiting family". And, uh, we're out.
* Oh wait, no, the dream. I forgot the dream. Lois, in her hot tank top and PJs, hits the sheets all content and dreams about her and Clark doing it all naked and sweaty, Chloe dead on the ground, Zod, and other bizarre imagery. She wakes up confused. And then we're out.
So, uh, yeah. Huh?
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