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Monday, February 27, 2012

Live Tweeting The 84th Annual Academy Awards


Normally, I don't enjoy watching the Oscars, so last night was a normal night. Here, collected, is both my greatest achievement on Twitter and the strongest argument yet for Unfollowing me, my complete multi-hour long live Tweeting of Hollywood's most glamorous night:

If I were attending the , I'd hate to be seated behind War Horse. 

"War Horse, who are you wearing?"  


 Jesus, John... that's not War Horse, that's two-time best actress Hilary Swank!

I thought it was Sarah Jessica Parker. 

 For the love of God, John -- That's not SJP, it's Joe Camel! Someone get this guy a program.

Damn it! I can't tell any of the War Horses apart. 

Tonight's  live tweeting is fueled by Ardbeg Islay Scotch Whisky. I could not deal with this shit otherwise.

I mock the  out of love. Love of mocking the Oscars.

Rooney Mara, you are a beautiful girl.  is out of theaters. You can choose to start looking normal any time now.

Jessica Chastain dressed as Poison Ivy. When she blows her pheromone kiss, Batman recommends everyone hold their breath.

Natalie Portman's new mommy boobs are  worthy.

At what point tonight will George Clooney and Brad Pitt tell to "Get the tables!"?  (Note: this was by far my most popular Tweet Oscar night. I know my audience.)


Billy Crystal is the kind of guy who watches softcore porn. 
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I miss James Franco
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It's Tom Hanks and his evil goatee from the terrible parallel universe. 

I already hate this  as much as  hated that girl who kicked the back of her chair repeatedly when we watched Hugo.

Biggest laughs at the  tonight are from Billy Crystal making fun of Kodak's bankruptcy. 


I love inside jokes about theatres.
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Montage of great  winning films is a pleasant reminder of how much better all those movies are than any nominated this year.

Jennifer Lopez unspoken to Cameron Diaz: "I am more orange and my white dress is shinier than yours." 

ANYONE FROM THE ARTIST WHO WINS AN OSCAR SHOULD ACCEPT THEIR OSCAR IN SILENCE. 

Morgan Freeman: "When I was 6 1/2 years old, I saw the original King Kong." Morgan Freeman, you're 378 years old?! 


I saw The Elephant Man when I was a kid. He didn't look like an elephant at all.
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I will geek the fuck out if Christian Bale presents an  to Jessica Chastain dressed as Poison Ivy.  up there

Well, I guess it's well past time to hire new maids. 

" Jessica Chastain mouthed "I love you" to Octavia after her win, which, awww " She was saying it to her Oscar.

That focus group sketch was great. It was a who's who of who was available. 

A confused Bradley Cooper in his porn stache came dressed for the. 

The  for Best Editing of 17 Rape Scenes goes to the team from The Girl With the . Well deserved.

And speaking of guys who look like rapists, Bradley Cooper's not done presenting . And to Hugo, too. Apt.

" what"s with Kermit's voice?" It's not easy for Jim Henson to do the voice from his coffin.


Cirque du Soleil: it's like the regular circus, but with AIDS., 
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All I wanted to know during Cirque Du Soleil was "How are George Clooney and Stacy Keibler enjoying it?!"  

This is the delightful banter between Downey Jr. and Paltrow that made Iron Man the global blockbuster it was. 

It's been a while since the 90's. Is Chris Rock supposed to be Kid or Play? 

I have a feeling had Eddie Murphy actually hosted the  like was originally planned, he would have quit by now anyway.


The most successful showbiz marriage has to be Woody Allen and his child.
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Why is Miss Piggy cheating on Kermit with Billy Crystal? 

During this sketch, Emma Stone is somehow getting taller than Ben Stiller by the second. 

Christopher Plummer: First Klingon ever to win an .

Christopher Plummer "is so proud" to be in Jonah Hill's company? Even though Jonah turned him down for co-starring in 21 Jump Street

I just realized Viola Davis came dressed as Djimon Hounsou in that old Janet Jackson "Love Will Never Do Without You" video. 

The  would like to thank Brian Grazer and Billy Crystal for cleaning up the shitstorm Brett Ratner left behind.

War Horse > Butterscotch Stallion 

This French guy is now reciting the lyrics of "I Will Survive" in his speech.

So, where IS that vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood these days, Angelina? 

I'll be dreaming about Angelina Jolie's slit tonight. 

  

I can't believe Milla Jovovich didn't start her  presentation with "My name is Alice..."

Which one of the Bridemaids will take a shit on the  stage? Also, Kristin Wiig looks hot.


I was hoping a smelly frenchman wins.
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Everyone standing up for Oprah just started looking under their seat to see if she gave them a new car. 

Natalie Portman! Just think, next year, we can watch her fall in love with Anakin all over again in 3D. 

This French guy from The Artist is the Italian guy from Life is Beautiful of 2012. 


Please show some grace and thank the Allied Forces.
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Sorry, Gary Oldman, your career of stellar work and career-best performance go unrewarded. Bravo, French Guy. 

Colin Firth has arrived to remind us all there's a repeat of Downton Abbey on PBS right now. 

Rooney Mara's haircut would make her a knockout on the planet Vulcan. 

I wish Colin Firth said, "Michelle, I don't want to wait for our lives to be over. I want to know right now what will it be?" 

True story: 15 years ago, I delivered a package to Meryl Streep's New York apartment. She wasn't home. 


Her false modesty is so charming.
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Peter Lorre is alive!  


For the love of God, thank the boys that stormed Normandy. Please.
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Hey, Hollywood, in 2012 you don't need color or sound or Americans to win the highest achievement your industry offers. 

Next year, call Franco. 


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