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Saturday, May 4, 2013

Luke Skywalker vs. Wolverine

Guys, real important question: Luke Skywalker fights Wolverine - Who wins and how?
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  • April  ooooh, my nerdiness is not sufficient to deal with this mindblow.
  • John  Take a best guess. Adamantium claws, healing factor, rugged manliness. Lightsaber, The Force, Mark Hamill. You must choose a victor and method.
  • Elya Wolverine by snikt, obviously.
  • April  I would guess Luke uses the Force to gain the upper hand, lightsabers off one of Wolverine's hands in a reflection of his own dismemberment at the hands of his father, but ultimately loses, as Wolverine's Rugged Manliness makes him a more currently acceptable example of Amurricanism.
  • John  Slicing off a hand with a lightsaber. That's the Skywalker move, fans! (Also a Kenobi move.)
  • April  Plus, it seriously cuts down on the number of Adamantium Claws being waved around.
  • John  Theoretically, Wolverine's healing factor would regrow his hand, but not immediately. And it couldn't regrow the adamantium, so his new hand would have bone claws.
  • April  Luke is super wicked fast, though. And doesn't the lightsaber cauterize the wound? Does that affect the healing?
  • John  That's true. And Luke can jump real high. Wolverine will find he's full of surprises. The healing factor, as it is mutant superpower logic bullshit, would probably override the wound being cauterized. In Wolverine's defense, when he goes into berserker rage, he'll probably freak Luke out. No staying calm for that Jedi.
  • April Luke is not the calmest Jedi, true... luckily, he does best when he doesn't have time to think. It's the drawn out evil speeches that freak him out into making mistakes. ...oh my God, I appear to be nerdy enough for this conversation.
  • John Maybe also not enough lip service is being paid to what Wolverine would be willing to do to win the fight. Luke could cut off his hand, but Wolverine could easily to do the same to Luke's metal hand. Or his real hand. Or his legs. Or destroy the lightsaber. Wolverine fights like a real asshole when he wants to.
  • John  I like the underdog in this. I think Luke could do it, he could kill Wolverine. Make his daddy proud.
  • April I love how because Wolverine has metal claws, we are calling the psychic acrobatic with mind control powers and a sword made of pure energy the underdog.
  • Rob Is a savage maiming the only thing that constitutes a win, or are there other ways of coming out on top in this one?
  • John Naturally, one must assume if Luke Skywalker faces Wolverine, the objective would be death or close to it.
  • Mimi  Depends if Luke is having an anxiety attack. Or overthinking it.
  • John  See, I think Wolverine's gruff sexy manliness would work against him. Soon as he says something like, "I banged your sister, bub", Luke will completely lose it. Ask his dad about that.
  • John  By the way, Mimi, I love that Luke Skywalker is the last Jedi and the hero of the galaxy, but he has a reputation as such a pussy that we have to factor in whether he's having an anxiety attack.
  • April Agreed. Seriously? How very 70s.
  • Mimi I am very 70's 
  • Juan Miguel well, Luke isn't exactly a paragon or anything. I'm sure he could use the dark side of the force and just choke wolverine to death. Does force run out? If it does, he's shit outa luck.
  • John  I love this debate and the considerations of what Luke Skywalker would do: He'd cut off his hand. He'd Force choke him to death. Here's another: Luke could use the Force to make Wolverine cut off his own head. Luke Skywalker would be delighted to be presented with these tactical options.
  • Rob  This is all the stuff Yoda would have taught him if he didn't run off to Bespin.
  • Kevin  If i had to pick it would be wolverine bc he is actually been through many wars and he is a tactician. when he fights he is calculating and predicting moves. While luke skywalkers force is strong i do believe he would eventually tire out. Healing factor big +
  • Kevin Wolverine wins by grinding it out over time
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