Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS

** SPOILERS **

Behold science fiction cinema's worst on screen couple, a romantic pairing so repellent, they make Anakin and Padme look like Jack and Rose. Dane DeHaan is Valerian, a Major in the ill-defined United Human Federation. Cara Delevingne is Laureline, a fellow agent who, despite being infinitely more competent than Valerian, is ranked beneath him as a mere Sergeant, so that's what the future's like. Valerian and Laureline are partners, but more than that, together or apart - but especially together - they are cosmic black holes of human empathy. Valerian is a total creep; a smarmy, self-obsessed waste of matter who is somehow the hero of this movie because his name is in the title. Laureline is forever fending off his lewd advances of love and marriage, all the while secretly attracted to him because she herself is devoid of anything resembling palpable humanity. They are gross.

Luc Besson's Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, based upon a 'beloved' series of graphic novels you probably have to be a Frenchman to have ever heard of, is a lot like his well-regarded The Fifth Element, except with Valerian, Besson cranks up the splatters of colors while wringing out all of the charm and whimsy. The skeezbag and supposed lady killer Valerian is no Bruce Willis, not even close. Willis possesses the gravitas and charisma of a true movie star, while DeHaan is pure anti-matter. Milla Jovovich was vulnerable and loveable in a way that Laureline could never be because Laureline is a sociopath just like Valerian, encased in a 'cool female action hero' facade that wears thin mere moments after being graced with her presence. Valerian and Laureline are meant to be together and save a universe you're screaming to escape upon entry.

It starts off so well too: The City of a Thousand Planets was once Alpha Station, the International Space Station celebrating the cooperation and unity of mankind before aliens started arriving and joining their technology to ours in a charming montage set to David Bowie's "Space Oddity." Exponentially growing to become a gigantic, multi-species city, Alpha Station eventually leaves Earth orbit, and 500 years later, it becomes the fabled City of a Thousand Planets, home to 70 million humans and aliens working together in intergalactic harmony. However, something's rotten in the City of a Thousand Plants, involving a secret conspiracy within the government and the genocide of a planet over a MacGuffin: a little alien critter that poops out countless priceless alien pearls. 

Everything in the movie is fine for about 10 minutes, which is not coincidentally when we meet Valerian and Laureline. After this, the movie itself becomes poop, with a convoluted plot offering zero surprises to anyone paying attention or has seen any other sci-fi movie. Ethan Hawke and Rihanna drop in to ham in it up, but overall, everyone in Valerian, human or alien, looks either befuddled or downright embarrassed. Everyone except Valerian and Laureline, that is. Both DeHaan and Delevingne are at least gung ho about starring in this universe, which places them and their noxious 'will they or won't they?' love affair firmly at the center, like the fetid core of a rotten apple.

Clive Owen is also in this. What happened to his career?

Cara Delevigne must have been paid extra every time she said #Valerian's name. It's 33% of her dialogue.
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."'
"Valerian." pic.twitter.com/sQsjB5X1YC

— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) January 3, 2018